Desending into Maddness and Our Merry-Go-Round
This post has been extremely hard to write. I have posted it and taken it down several times, I think it's important though.
I open my eyes every morning a little giddy and very anxious. I am not the one with an anxiety issue though (or at least I don't think I am) it is my husband. I am anxious because I never know what kind of day we are going to have. At times I feel like me being anxious about his anxiety is making his anxiety worse and here we go again on this merry-go-round.
Webster's Dictionary defines Anxiety: As an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.
Anxiety came to rule our lives while I was pregnant. A very difficult and dangerous pregnancy results in a very anxious daddy. This anxiety was understandable and even expected, when your wife and your unborn baby are in the hospital for weeks at a time it tends to illicit some anxiety. However, after everything settled out and we all came home the anxiety didn't stop it just grew and grew and grew.
Like a proactive wife I suggested we go see our doctor. (We have a great doctor who listens and takes the time to answer all questions). Anyway, the conclusion was to prescribe anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants. The medications worked, for a time, they worked until...well meaning family members convinced my husband to stop taking his medication, because according to them mental illness isn't an illness its a personal failing. What did my husband think..."I'm feeling better...I can stop my medication." This is where our world descended into our own chaos.
I had no idea what would happen when a person abruptly stops taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. We had blackouts, severe depression, mood swings, physical shaking, etc. I thought I was going out of my own mind. I had an infant to take care of, how could I possibly deal with this too? How could I compete with and counter all the negative messages my husband was getting? How are we going to get through this? Through all of this my anxiety grew. I now worry about what mood we were going to be in that day. I worry about whether my husband is going to blackout and not remember what he has said and done. I worry about whether he has taken his medication. I just worry, and my worry feeds his worry/anxiety.
I have begged, I have threatened, I have cried, I have withdrawn, I have gotten angry and I have cried some more, but we still go round and round and where we stop...I don't know. I don't know how this will end...but I think I'm going to end up with an anxiety problem before we find the answer.
