Golden Beets

I've made a start at keeping my resolutions to be more green, healthy and environmentally responsible. And did you know I found how I can keep my resolutions and be lazy. I signed us up for Farm Fresh Delivery.


Basically, its a service that delivers local, fresh, organic produce and groceries. How awesome is that?!? Well, in my first delivery I had a bunch of golden beets! My initial thoughts was WTF? After a bit to investigation and asking my mom, I decided to give cooking them a try.

I'm not so sure how healthy these are as there are 3 Tablespoons of butter in them, but they taste wonderful. Then again everything tastes wonderful with butter.

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Points of View

The second installment of how my views have changed now that I'm a mother.

1. My view of Motherhood. My view of motherhood is very different looking from the view of a mother. When I only had the other side, meaning from the view of child, I could never know how much my mother felt for me. She and I have always been great friends and close but until I had a child of my own I had no idea how much I could love and how vulnerable I could be. Who ever said motherhood is like having your heart walking around outside of your body, was so right.


2. My view of poopy diapers. Prior to Alyanna I had only changed a few poopy diapers and I can vividly remember every one of those. All, were "traumatic" experiences. Now I find myself not bothered by poopy diapers...they are what they are. I still would prefer someone else change them, but they really aren't that bad.


3. My view on what is and is not a necessity. Not too long ago getting my hair done, nails done, eyebrows waxed, etc. were necessities. Now, I'm lucky to get my teeth brushed. A necessity to me now, are things like my pump. Mine recently crapped out on me, I bought it used so what could I expect. This prompted an unexpected $379 expense for a new one that day. There was no way I could make it through the next day at work without it.

Stay tuned for more.

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A Trip to the Pumpkin Patch & a Thought

Today Alyanna is 7 months old and to celebrate we went to a local orchard (Adrian Orchard).

We had a wonderful time. While browsing, and buying organic apples and baking pumpkins to use in making Alyanna's food, I got to thinking about what more I can do to make environmentally friendly and healthy choices for my family. I truly believe we need to be doing more. I want Alyanna to start her life instinctively making healthy environmentally friendly choices.

So I have made some resolutions:

1. I have gotten a composter, so that kitchen waste can be composted and used in the garden I'm going to plant next year.

2. We are going to attempt to get our produce from local organic growers, or at least as much as we can.

3. I am resolving to cut excess packaging we purchase by 1/2.

4. (the biggest commitment) We are going to get a small wind turbine and a small solar panel to see if we can just run our laptops, cell phones, and ipods from carbonless energy sources.

I'm not sure if this will make a dent in our electric bill, but it can't hurt and if it works then we can always expand. I'm pretty sure we are going to have some funny moments trying to set all of this up so stay tuned...

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A Day in the Life

Wow...time gets away from me. It has been too long since I last posted. Here is just a glimps into where I've been.

The world of an elder law attorney revolves around the end of the month. It never fails the end of the month is the most busy time or at least it is usually that way. It can be all consuming and I find myself being consumed by the work to be done. I find that building a wall between myself and my clients to be almost impossible. (I could never be a doctor or nurse). In dealing with a client, usually the child or grandchild of an individual, who is recognizing or dealing with a true crisis in their family I find myself feeling their pain, worry and concern. I think about how I would feel in their situation.

BUT...

I find myself working more and spending less and less time at home. Or if I am at home I am taking phone calls, replying to emails or working on documents. I was supposed to be part-time, I was supposed to have my focus on my family. I guess things never turn out the way the were supposed to.

I really wish I could spend my day with this cuteness.

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She Bit Me...

TWICE!!!!

Need I say any more? Alyanna is really working hard on those top teeth, but if she doesn't stop this biting thing she will no longer be allowed to comfort nurse.

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The Tale of the Teeth

I had no idea we would have teeth so early. Alyanna has two shinny new bottom front teeth. She is super shy about showing them or I would have a picture.

What mother doesn't know her child is teething? Alyanna was just not quite her self, but still pretty happy. My only clue was that she hasn't been napping well, and she is wanting to comfort nurse all night long. Hence her ending up back in bed with me.

I am convinced she is now working on her top two teeth, I am just glad I know that she doesn't feel good and can at least give her some Tylenol so she can get some sleep. Oh! the poor baby loves her swing and takes most of her naps in the swing, but my mother's swing (my mom keeps her when I have to work) isn't powerful enough to swing my little fatty. :) Good thing my swing still works.

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Points of View

I have been thinking over the past several months about how my views on many issues have changed or been altered due to my new status as mother.

1. (I know this could open a can of worms) My view on abortion. I have never thought it was right, but I was somewhat ambivalent about it. I still don't think the government should be codifying morality (I feel very strongly about that aspect) but just the thought of abortion (even the word) effects me physically, in a way that it never has before.

2. My view on feminism. (Again another can of worms). At one point in my life I had no desire to be at home and thought any woman who did was selling herself short. Now, there is no place I would rather be, than at home raising my little girl. There are some very militant feminists who think that no woman should stay home with their children (and apparently I was one of those women) but now I see the feminist movement in a different light. I now see it as being about allowing women to make choices instead of being forced one way or the other. What gets me upset are the women who feel that they are entitled to something, that they don't have to choose because they can have it all. What some women forget is there are consequences for our choices. Personally I choose to work fewer hours (therefore making less money) so that I can spend more time with my child. That is my choice.

3. My view on sleep. While I used to think sleep was a necessity I have come to view it as more of a luxury. My baby girl is a great sleeper but I have found that doesn't really matter, I will never sleep as soundly as I did before she was born.

4. My view on breasts. It had always been my desire to breastfeed, but before I actually did it, I viewed my breasts as being my own. Now I no longer see them that way...they no longer belong to me they are now Alyanna's...at least until she is weaned. I don't think I will ever view them in a sexual way again, but that's okay with me...mine were never that great anyway.

I guess this is just the start of how my views have changed...I could go on and on...maybe I should make this a recurring post.

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Desending into Maddness and Our Merry-Go-Round

This post has been extremely hard to write. I have posted it and taken it down several times, I think it's important though.

I open my eyes every morning a little giddy and very anxious. I am not the one with an anxiety issue though (or at least I don't think I am) it is my husband. I am anxious because I never know what kind of day we are going to have. At times I feel like me being anxious about his anxiety is making his anxiety worse and here we go again on this merry-go-round.

Webster's Dictionary defines Anxiety: As an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.

Anxiety came to rule our lives while I was pregnant. A very difficult and dangerous pregnancy results in a very anxious daddy. This anxiety was understandable and even expected, when your wife and your unborn baby are in the hospital for weeks at a time it tends to illicit some anxiety. However, after everything settled out and we all came home the anxiety didn't stop it just grew and grew and grew.

Like a proactive wife I suggested we go see our doctor. (We have a great doctor who listens and takes the time to answer all questions). Anyway, the conclusion was to prescribe anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants. The medications worked, for a time, they worked until...well meaning family members convinced my husband to stop taking his medication, because according to them mental illness isn't an illness its a personal failing. What did my husband think..."I'm feeling better...I can stop my medication." This is where our world descended into our own chaos.

I had no idea what would happen when a person abruptly stops taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. We had blackouts, severe depression, mood swings, physical shaking, etc. I thought I was going out of my own mind. I had an infant to take care of, how could I possibly deal with this too? How could I compete with and counter all the negative messages my husband was getting? How are we going to get through this? Through all of this my anxiety grew. I now worry about what mood we were going to be in that day. I worry about whether my husband is going to blackout and not remember what he has said and done. I worry about whether he has taken his medication. I just worry, and my worry feeds his worry/anxiety.

I have begged, I have threatened, I have cried, I have withdrawn, I have gotten angry and I have cried some more, but we still go round and round and where we stop...I don't know. I don't know how this will end...but I think I'm going to end up with an anxiety problem before we find the answer.

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Does Maternity Leave Harm Our Careers?

This is an article from the ABA Journal Weekly Newsletter:

Jack Welch: Women Take Time Off for Kids at Their Peril
Posted Jul 16, 2009,
By Debra Cassens Weiss
Former General Electric CEO
Jack Welch thinks women who take time off for family are making a risky career move. Speaking to Human Resource Management at its annual conference on June 28, Welch said women who take time off for family could be passed over for
promotions if they are “not there in the clutch,” the Wall Street Journal (sub. req.) reports.

“There's no such thing as work-life balance," Welch said. "There are work-life choices, and you make them, and they have consequences." Welch said women who take time off can still "have a nice career," but their chances of reaching the top are smaller, according to the Wall Street Journal account. "We'd love to have more women moving up faster," he said. "But they've got to make the tough choices and know the consequences of each one."

The Am Law Daily noted the story and interviewed a
lawyer with a different viewpoint. Chantal Kordula, a partner at Cleary Gottlieb Steen & Hamilton, told the publication that she took off five months after the birth of each of her three children, and still made partner, albeit in a longer time frame.
She went back to a full schedule when she returned to
work, but sometimes fits in afternoon parenting duties, according to the Am Law Daily. "You just need to do what works for you and let the chips fall where they may," she told the publication.

Personally I believe this country doesn't get how important developing and nurturing a mother/child bond is. However, I totally understand that I have choices to make, and those choices have consequences. I am not so naive to believe that I truly can have it all and someone not pay the price for my choices (namely that would be my daughter paying that price). I am just so very grateful that I have those choices, when not too long ago my path in life would have been chosen for me. For me, I "chose" to take a little time off (I use the word "chose" loosely as I was on bedrest for 4.5 months and of that could not work at all for 1 of those months), I also took 10 weeks off after Alyanna's birth. I am now working a modified schedule and have taken a reduction in salary. This allows me to continue to pursue my career and give me the ability to be fully present in my daughters life. The consequences for me (the reduction in salary and increased time to make partner) are worth it, because I am giving Alyanna the best start I can and still maintaining my own aspirations.

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First Solid Foods

Last week our pediatrician said it was okay to start Alyanna on some solids, basically rice cereal. However, I didn't think I was ready. I love being her sole source of nutrition, it's weird and probably a first time mom thing. But the past couple of nights Alyanna has been waking up several times wanting to eat. So I thought maybe a little cereal would keep her full longer. I'm pretty sure none of the cereal made it into her belly but it was funny watching her daddy feed her. We'll try again tomorrow.

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Six Minutes

I am reviewing my billible time for last week and started reflecting on the billible hour. A good portion of my day is divided into 6 minute increments. You may ask what can you possibly get done in 6 minutes? The answer is very little but I still must account for each and every 6 minutes. The life of being a slave to the billible hour. It's better for my clients...there are some attorneys who bill in 15 minute increments, so if what I'm doing takes 18 minutes then my client is billed a 0.3 hr, if I billed in 15 minute increments that 18 minutes would be billed at a 0.5 hr. I know it sounds like I'm splitting hairs but it adds up. It's just that having to account for every 6 minutes can at times be somewhat overwhelming, but its how I get paid so it is a necessary evil. There are some days I just wish I could get the task done and not worry about how many minutes it took.

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4 Months Old Today!

When did bald, fat and toothless get to be so perfectly beautiful?

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How did this happen?

I know exactly how Alyanna ended up in bed with me...I'm a big softy! She had gotten her vaccinations and I just couldn't bear putting her to sleep by herself. Hopefully she won't get too upset when I put her in her own bed tonight.

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Disturbing

Today I saw this very disturbing commercial of a mother napping on a couch with her infant and the result is that the baby wasn't breathing when the mom wakes up. I feel this is somewhat misleading. It is perfectly safe and healthy to co-sleep with a baby, if done properly. Alyanna and I were co-sleeping up until last week. We didn't stop co-sleeping for fear of suffocation or SIDS but because she has been sleeping through the night for over a month and I felt it was time. I believe co-sleeping has enhanced my bond with Alyanna and improved our breastfeed outcome. Don't get me wrong we took precautions to ensure we couldn't roll over on Alyanna or have her over heat. We used a Snuggle Nest and it has worked so well. I am just afraid that commercials like these are just so scary that other women won't do their own research. See http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout1.asp, http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/co_slepping.html and http://www.cosleeping.org/ for more information.

Mothers seem to be told what to do instead of being given options, and if you don't do what you are told you are a bad mother. If I didn't know better and I had watched that commercial I probably wouldn't have even tried co-sleeping, even knowing what I know the commercial makes me sick to my stomach.

I am now stepping down from my soap box.

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Mama Trauma!!!

Alyanna moved into her crib Friday night. The trauma wasn't with her....it was with me. I have been so happy with co-sleeping that I really didn't want for it to end. It has been so wonderful waking up to her happy face every morning! Now I'm just stuck waking up looking at her daddy's back :(.

She made the transition almost seamlessly. She went to sleep at 9:15pm and only woke once at 3:30am, ate and went right back to sleep until 8:20am!!!! I just already miss her in bed with me, but I think in the long run we are doing the right thing so the transition is not a trauma for her. All I can say is thank goodness for the Snuggle Nest, I really think this is why the transition wasn't too hard on her.

Alyanna in her crib with the Snuggle Nest.

Mommy's sleeping angel.

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Moving Forward...

Life is grand! While the last few weeks have been a bit bumpy all will work out for the better. Not only did Tom lose his job, but the partnership at my firm broke up. The good news is Tom has already found a job (not the greatest, but he is working), and my job is secure. This has also been a trial for my extended family as well (my Dad and Brother-in-Law are two of the partners at my firm...both of them are okay). We are circling the wagons and I think we are all going to be better for it.

Even during all of this uncertainty I really and truly feel blessed!

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It Happened

Tom lost his job. I think we're going to be alright though. It just makes me sad that he has to end his tenure there in such an abrupt and unfair way. I suppose its just time to move on.

We have wonderful families who have offered us their support and love. Also, my mother will be able to keep Alyanna in the mornings when Tom finds another job (if he can't get a schedule that allows him to be at home in the morning).

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The Best Laid Plans...

Just when I think I have things figured out and I have a plan, something happens. Tom and I have worked so hard to get this schedule to work and to get both employers on board. Now, this week we find out Tom might be losing his job. (We should find out tomorrow). I am kind of numb and don't want to think about having to start over with working out a schedule let alone trying to figure out paying bills. Deep breaths help.

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Two Weeks Down...

The first two weeks were a rollercoaster ride. I am enjoying being back at work some, thankfully I'm not away from Alyanna too much. The real fun part was taking my husband to the ER in the middle of everything! It's a long story but needless to say we're pretty sure Tom is going to be okay :), even though the doctors are still not 100% sure what is wrong. Also, the ER trip didn't bother Alyanna in the least, she was her normal happy self, even though I was a wreck :). I am pretty sure I did hit the baby jackpot (but I'm sure every mother thinks that).

Right now my only concern (and it's pretty small) is that Alyanna is not real happy about taking a bottle. She doesn't get upset, she just doesn't eat very much when she is with her daddy. So every afternoon she does nothing but nurse. I guess if that is my only real issue then I have it pretty good!

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Back to Work

4:30 AM--Alyanna wants to eat
4:50 AM--Back to Sleep
5:30 AM--ALARM goes off (What the heck!!!!)
6:45 AM--In the Car on my way to my first day back at the office...
7:00 AM--Siting at my desk

I was pleasantly surprised at myself, I didn't cry and I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. I was however exhausted! Now if I can just get my pumping schedule figured out I think we'll be set. My husband was even fairly relaxed. It was his first time with Alyanna by himself for more than a couple of hours. He got her up and dressed and ready to go!

Overall, I'm pretty happy...with day 1, we'll see how the rest work out.

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Co-Sleeping and the Snuggle Nest

I made a decision, we are definately going to continue co-sleeping. We got a Snuggle Nest and couldn't be happier. I've found this is the only way I get a good night of sleep.

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A Compromise...

I've been really stressing out about going back to work. I am still going back May 26th, but I'm going to ask for a part-time schedule. My original plan was to work five hours in the office and then three hours at home. That plan had me really worried about not wanting (or being able) to work when I got home. My new plan (I have to ask permission first...so I'll find out if the partners will go for it) is to work six hours/day and take a 25% decrease in pay. This way I won't have to worry about whether I get my hours in at home and I can focus completely on Alyanna.

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What a Sight...

Let me give a little background:

I have suffered from migraines for years. A few months before I got pregnant I found out that not only am I allergic to mold but I also have a sensitivity to wheat, which makes my migraines worse. Since I got pregnant I haven't had a single migraine, even after eating wheat. So I got a little complacent and I ate this eggo thingy....

On to the Funny part:

About an hour after eating the eggo thingy I am sitting at a restaurant (by the way Alyanna just woke up and was hungry so I was breastfeeding her too) about to eat my soup when I threw up right into the bowl. (I know gross). Of course this was not the end...so there I am about to throw up again with my kid on my lap breastfeeding. Thankfully my mother (who was with me) took Alyanna as I made a mad dash for the bathroom while I threw up again into my breastfeeding wrap. I'm pretty sure I flashed the other diners as I didn't put my boob back before running. Needless to say I had been blind sided by a migraine (damn wheat) and the sad part is I can't take anything for the migraine but sleep...thankfully Alyanna was in the mood for a nap.

I hope I didn't gross anyone out.

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Two More Weeks....

So I finally set a date for my return to work, May 26th. I have two more weeks being with Alyanna full time. Two more weeks to let her schedule run my day. Two more weeks to let the day just unfold before us. Two more weeks...

It's going by too fast!

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Back to Work...the Preparation

Well, I have to start planning my return to work. :(. I didn't realize how difficult just thinking about this was going to be. And I really am in a great situation to continue being home a good portion of the time and not need daycare, but it is still really really upsetting to think that I am not going to be with Alyanna all the time. Thankfully I have a few more weeks to get used to the idea of not being there 100% of the time.

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Co-Sleeping...A Good Idea or Trouble?

I originally did not plan on co-sleeping, but somehow we have fallen into a pattern with Alyanna ending up in bed with me. Am I setting myself up for a fight to get her out of my bed? I am even considering getting a snuggle nest. I know she is only 5 weeks old and you can't spoil a baby this little but I'm concerned that once it is a pattern for me we will keep it up indefinately.

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Smiles, smiles and more smiles

Yea!!! Yesterday mommy got her first smile. It was one of those indescribible moments.

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5 weeks into being a Mommy...

Five weeks into this adventure and I am starting to wonder how I am going to go back to work and balance being a good mommy a good attorney and do it all while breastfeeding and without "daycare."

Right now things are as easy as they are going to get, I am still on maternity leave and am just starting to plan my return to work. Today is will be my first visit back at the office. In fact it will be the first time I have been in the office since October 2008. I was on bedrest for over half of my pregancy. Alyanna (my little girl) was born on March 11th via c-section. I am starting to worry that I won't have the stamina to keep up with my billables and being mommy.

So here we go...we will see if this mommy can keep it all together, at least we can have fun trying.

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